Stars So Bright
by calendaes
Summary: For the first time since he left Sunnydale, he remembers the dark is a dangerous place and that monsters bigger than crippling self-doubt do exist.


Title: Stars So Bright  
Setting: Summer between Season 4 and 5  
Disclaimer: These aren't my characters and I'm not making any money off this.

* * *

Sometime after creepy connected dream night and the hardcore demonic destruction at the Initiative, it becomes obvious to Xander that the rekindling of the scoobies as superfriends is just as much a dream as dear old dad ripping into his chest. Xander seems to be the only one to notice the distance. That's the problem with being the heart. Always the first to see it coming, to know that Spike wasn't completely lying last week when he said the others thought he was useless.  
  
So when Willow goes back to summer school and Buffy heads to visit Hank in LA and Giles flies out to a museum conference in Cleveland, Xander hops a train out east. He has money this time, not like last year's aborted _On the Road_ antics. He tells his parents that he's visiting Grandma Harris in Buffalo which gets a grunt from Dad and a pat on the hand from his mom. "You're still paying rent." She calls as he drug his backpack out the door. "You're not here, but your stuff still is. We can't use that space, you know."  
  
Xander tells Anya that he was going to New York to find himself and she frowns. "You're right here, Xander. With me. And unless Willow was playing around with those teleportation spells again, you seem to be all here. She didn't send your penis to New York, didn't she? If I had my powers, she'd be in a world of hurt." Xander smiles and calms her down, but doesn't turn back when she calls to him from the door.  
  
He doesn't tell Buffy or Willow anything.  
  
New York City is big and confusing and louder than any place Xander has ever been. He spends more money than he's ever held for a month in the tiniest room he's ever seen, but it's big enough to hold his pack and there's a lock on the door. The first few weeks, Xander has trouble finding all the big attractions and flops in the tiny twin bed exhausted, so he decides on the fourth week to explore around the hostel.  
  
Not his best decision ever. He gets lost somewhere near Washington Square and sits under the arch till dark. For the first time since he left Sunnydale, he remembers the dark is a dangerous place and that monsters bigger than crippling self-doubt do exist. He leaves the part and heads north, looking for something familiar. His footsteps echo, drowning out the rush of blood in his ears with each heartbeat.  
  
He stops short at the intersection, his eyes squinting across the street. There's a familiar shock of red hair and waving arms waiting by the light.  
  
"You didn't think we were going to leave you here, didja?" Willow's arms are around his neck before Xander can respond. "What's up with the leaving without a word?"  
  
Buffy stands back in the shadow. "Yeah, Xander. What's up with that?"  
  
He pulls away from Willow's shoulder. "You were busy. I didn't want you to worry."  
  
Buffy steps forward, the streetlight emphasizing dark shadows under her eyes. "Well. That certainly didn't work. We have a connection now, you know. Where have you been?"  
  
"Right here, Buff. I've been right here." Xander shuffles, his arm still wrapped around Willow's shoulder.  
  
"No. You haven't. You checked out weeks ago. Before I left for LA even." Buffy's pout becomes more pronounced as she moves forward and Xander smiles despite himself. Buffy anger. Still cute, even when it's directed towards him. "I got back and you were just...gone. And I couldn't feel you anymore."  
  
Willow nods into his shoulder. "You shouldn't do that again, Xander. We need you. It was like missing an arm or something."  
  
"Or a heart." And just like that Xander knows. "I'm really here, okay. I was gone for a while, but now I'm back. I just needed some time." Buffy reaches for his arm and pulls him in for a hug.  
  
"Okay. I need my Xander."  
  
"Where's Giles?"  
  
Willow gasps and pulls away. "He's back at the hotel. Oh! I have to call him. I promised I'd call as soon as we found you. He's probably still sitting at the phone. Just a sec."  
  
While Willow calls Giles, Xander looks at Buffy and the sky, clearer than it's ever been. Buffy grins at him, leaning into his shoulder. He smiles and holds her hand as they watch the stars flick by.


End file.
